I work in a restaurant and I don’t like to talk about my job a lot, but a woman ate at my restaurant about a month or so ago and gave us a 1-star review on Yelp. For most restaurants nowadays, Yelp reviews can get service industry employees fired if their name is mentioned. It causes business owners undue stress that causes them to tighten reins they don’t understand on their employees they don’t know or trust, 99% of whom have made no mistakes in the first place. They put management in a predicament where, instead of focusing on providing proper service and experience while meeting a bottom line and employees are provided for and supported, they instead have to give virtual blowjobs to these sick fucks regularly in order to get them to stop holding our restaurant hostage with a less-than three star review. Yelp is a gross, gross company that has infiltrated not only our small businesses’ well-being but has placed a mighty scepter in the hands of many a sad, sad person with a huge sense of entitlement and, worse, a desire to practice their 6th grade vocabulary.
This is a woman who came into a restaurant, who went on Yelp to find us, saw that the majority of visitors’ experiences were positive, and decided a fair warning should be given to the masses that she thought her hamburger was, and I quote, “gummy.” These are the kinds of things you read and, if you’re me, you have to see more about this person who feels compelled to say this in a public forum. Her page, filled with 120+ individual reviews of separate businesses (9/10 of which are negative) is adorned with her profile picture: an innocuous copy of The New York Times with, in the background, some kind of colorful cocktail. So you know this lady KNOWS some IMPORTANT SHIT. I read through most of her reviews, finding a pattern of what appeared to be a love for being contrary; a negative review for a restaurant most people seem to love, but a 5-star review on the local Safeway grocery store people “just aren’t giving a chance.”

I then arrived at the core. This woman’s soul. Her self inside herself. This lady had reviewed LaGuardia Motherfucking Airport. And not only did she rate an enormous international airport which will operate well after she is dead regardless of her opinion on it, she has rated it a whopping three stars. Three. Dead center, please, world-pay-attention-to-me-breifly-as-I-explain-to-you-what-is-essentially-my-indifference-and-lack-of-opinion-on-a-huge-municipal-entity, three stars.

How much love or lack therof does it take to create such a gross, needy, unfortunate person who is allowed to walk through the world living in a bubble of thinking her opinion is important, matters, or needs to be heard? Mark Zuckerberg’s mission statement for Facebook essentially says that a more connected world will ultimately make for a better world, but I sometimes don’t believe that is the case, or at the very least it will be made better in spite of the unfortunate side affect that this lady gets to make me spend 45 minutes writing a social media post about how awful she is.

This woman is probably an otherwise fine lady, and probably has a family that counts on her, and has responsibilities and dreams she hopes to achieve despite having to work a job she doesn’t love, but because I’m in a bad mood and want to feel like I am important and not just a little bug on the windsheild of existence, I give this lady 1-star.