Oh, hello again.

Welcome back to my master class series, The Jacob Williams Master Class Series for Acting Series. If you’re like me, you’ve been tuning into this year’s hottest movies, films, and motion pictures and thinking, “Hey! That’s something I could do!”

The truth about Hollywood is that anyone can make it. You just need a breakout role that tells people, “I can change my physical appearance.” Read along with me and I’ll clue you in on the top secrets to getting an award-winning film on the big screen.

  1. Lesson 1: The Awkward Mustache
    Hollywood is filled with handsome, clean-shaven men who’ve run the gamut of handsome, clean-shaven roles. “Hey! I’m a crazy good looking guy who is also Johnny Cash!” “Oh, over here! I have a notebook! My wife suffers from memory loss!” “Wait, no! Me! I was in a band and now I’m not and now I’m teaching band class!”
    BORING.
    If we’ve learned anything from Hollywoodland recently, it’s that taking a sizzly hot actor man and placing a mustache upon his lip is the key to success. After that, simply adopt awkward mannerisms and be strange. The rest is history!

    Handome fur mugs!
    Handome fur mugs!

    The lesson: We’re headed back in time, so to speak. Back to the times of yore when Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds ruled the silver screen and claimed all the monetary and sexual booty. Got clean-shaven head shots? DUMP EM. Grow a womb broom and watch the money pile up. And ladies, it’s only a matter of time before some ingenue steals your opportunity to be the FIRST LADY WITH AN AWKWARD MUSTACHE SO HOP TO IT.

  2. Lesson 2: Extreme Weight Loss
    How many times have we seen beautifully toned, muscular, manly men at the movies ruining the plot by being in shape? GET YOUR SIZZLING HOT ABS OFF OF MY TELEVISION SCREEN, YOU MONSTROUS FREAK. Recent history has taught us that fast,  unhealthy weight loss is likely to gain you fame, fortune, and critical acclaim. Acting talent and training are secondary when it comes to proving to the masses that you, too, can hire a nutritionist.

    Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels! Oscar, please!
    Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels! Oscar, please!

    The lesson: Acting talent aside, what the people really want to see is you altering your body for a role. Save money on acting classes (and also any and all food) and prepare to astound (and terrify) the next casting director you meet.

  3. Lesson 3: Extreme Weight Gain
    Can I get a burger with a side of FRANCHISE??? YES YOU CAN MY GOOD SIR OR MADAM.
    Remember Madea? That big African American womanman from that movie a long, long time ago that your mother loved so much and made the family watch on Pay-Per-View several times because she reminded everyone of everyone’s favorite lunch lady? Well she’s STILL AROUND. Fat suits are here to stay. If you’re not so interested in winning over the critics, but are more interested in setting box office records and then making 7 sequels of the same movie, then BUY YOURSELF A FAT SUIT.

    Nothing says funny like making obesity your main plot point!
    Nothing says funny like making obesity your main plot point!

    The lesson:
    Skinny = “Ah, yes, brilliant performance.”
    Fat = “So how many sequels can we sign you on for?”